We selfish assholes

Consider the common scenario for a moment: Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy or girl leaves the other. At some point or another we have all had a personal experience with this scenario whether we were the leavee, or the leaver. The reasons for this are as wide spread as the stars in the heavens and to pinpoint the exact reason why we end up leaving or are left would be too taxing to explore in a simple blog post. Rather, we should refine our inquiry to a specific topic that will allow us to explore the reasons behind why we do the things we do in our relationships with others. To begin this inquiry, we must first ask ourselves, “what is love?” To answer this question we might turn to a number of different sources from self help books, to philosophy, to religion; I choose the middle. In his dialogue Symposium, the great philosopher Plato attempts to ask and answer the question we have before ourselves now. The story presents many different views of what love is, one is that it is purely scientific, another and possibly the most interesting is presented by the Greek comic playwright Aristophanes. Aristophanes describes love as a desire to seek our other half; in the beginning all humans were connected to their other half but because we were only focused on ourselves and not on the worship of the gods we were separated and scattered. We spend our lives searching out our other half and depending upon other sources, in this case the gods of Greece, in hopes that we will have better luck.  In reality we do sometimes appeal to God in hopes that He will allow us to find our one true love, others turn to magic, others just ignore the idea that we are some how meant for only one person in the world. But what happens when we find our one true love and for some reason or another they aren’t what we expected? They’re too short, too fat, too stupid, are physically or mentally disabled, etc. What then? Too often than not we leave that person and pass it off as, “well, they weren’t really the one for me.”

The new movie Adam, staring Hugh Dancy as a Asperger’s patient explores the circumstances of when boy meets girl, they fall in love and the other leaves. Asperger’s Syndrome is a member of the Autistic family where one is unable to cope with the emotional realities of the world; Asperger’s patients come off as disinterested, or sometimes too blunt because they are unable to recognize the subtitles of human emotions. As the main character Adam is faced with having to be alone for the first time in his life upon the death of his father, he meets Beth; Beth is a teacher who has just moved into the same apartment building as Adam. They develop an acquired acquaintance before Beth is finally told by Adam of his condition. It would appear on the surface that Beth initially falls for Adam out of pity, but by the end of the movie the audience is convinced that she did truly love him. It should be pointed out that this post does contain spoilers for the movie Adam. She is faced to ask herself, despite her love for Adam, is he capable of truly loving her? The answer comes when Adam and Beth are close to moving out to California for a job Adam has received. Adam admits to loving Beth, only after hearing her say he has never told her that while on the phone with her mother. He also tells her that he needs her, because she is a part of him and also because he needs her for the assistance she could provide him.

With a disabled person, whether physical or mental, the unfortunate reality is that whomever they love does end up being both a part of them, and a person who can help take care of them. Friends and family of the disabled can cope with this reality better than a potential partner because they are not forced to deal with the disability in ways the partner will evidently have to. Family will come closest to what the partner will have to deal with more than any friend will. The other unfortunate reality is expressed in the movie, as it is often times that women who fall for disabled men are unable to cope with the realities of what that love will entail. This ladies, should be a lesson that no matter how independent you claim to be, when the tables are turned and you are asked to love and help someone else more often than not you will leave. This is not meant to be a rude observation, but as a disabled male myself I have experienced this on some level with members of the opposite sex. Either way, the prospect of having to care for someone who may be unable to care for themselves independently of another scares all of us away even if that person is the one whom providence has separated from our self.

The question we are forced to ask ourselves at some point in the relationship is, can the idea that this person loves us whether they are able to express it or not over come the reality that they are in need of us in a very real way? We will almost always do the selfish act and run away from happiness with someone who needs us. A relationship with someone, such as the disabled, is not an easy relationship to handle and it is certainly not the romantic relationship we grow up seeing in movies, and on T.V. and read in books or magazines. It is a commitment that we, as selfish animals, are too often unable to make despite our feelings for that person. Even in Adam, despite Beth’s willingness to work with Adam’s condition she is ultimately unable to commit to him because he is unable to care for her in the way she insists on being cared for. She admits in a narration at the beginning of the movie that Adam teaches her how to love, in a way he demonstrates to her that the man she is meant to be with and the man she thinks she needs are two different men. Likewise,when we meet the person we were meant to be with it so often conflicts with the reality of who we thought we would end up with.

On our wedding day we are all asked the question, “Will you love, honor, and respect (insert adjective) in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” And while we will end up saying, “I do” the reality in the United States is that nearly half will end up divorcing. We have been raised in a selfish society, to think that just because we want something that we some how deserve to get it. When we think we have found it, we hold on to it until we realize it wasn’t really what we wanted. But after all, don’t we always get what we wanted in the end? Are we just simply too blinded by our selfishness to accept whom the gods separated us from in the beginning? This is a lesson we all need to learn, to be able to answer the call and to love the person who we love and not expect them to be something they can never be. Going back to the example used throughout, there are certain people out there who cannot unlearn their habits such as one who is mentally disabled, as Adam is. What we must do is learn that regardless of whether or not a person can express their love for us, that we sometimes have to sacrifice ourselves for our own happiness and realize that sometimes love means having to care for another.

Published in: on August 17, 2009 at 01:13  Comments (4)  
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A lesson to be learned

Is it possible for us to learn important lessons from media, such as television, books, movies, or music and it for to be at the same time enjoyable for us to watch, read, or listen to? Or are the two exclusive, something that is enjoyable to watch, read, or listen to can’t possibly be good for us or teach us any lesson. It has been my experience that neither are exclusive to each other, that often times media can be both entertaining, pleasurable and also educational. Yet, these are not readily accessible, instead one has to sincerely look for them because you won’t find these types of things easily. One good place to find such entertaining educational programs is on the television network ABC Family, where they offer a wide variety of shows that both are fun to watch and also teach important lessons. These lessons are not only applicable to the children and young teens that watch the show, but to anyone (including a 24 year old male graduate student.) It has been on this channel that I have found shows that truly provoked me to think; Greek, which is about a group of college students, primarily a brother and sister both in the Greek system, and how they cope with their lives. The second show is The Secret Life of the American Teenager, a catchy show that uses young high school students and puts them into adult situations, yet doesn’t attempt to make them grown up. This is the second time I have devoted my blog to the discussion of the Secret Life, although I have exercised my thoughts through other outlets such as the Internet Movie Database discussion boards.

The last time I provided an synopsis of the show, the characters and the problems that they all face. Today I want to focus in on a situation that is a bit more particular that is important to even adults. The main character Amy is a 15 year old mother after one mistake at band camp with bad boy Ricky left her pregnant even before she started high school. Within the first few weeks of school Amy is asked out by Ben, who is desperately trying to get both a girlfriend and sex. When the cat is finally out of the bag, and everyone in town knows that Amy is pregnant and that Ricky is the father things begin to get interesting.

A slight divergence. The best education a child receives in its life is that education that parents can provide. Parents are instantly connected to their child and it is their responsibility to raise and educate their child from infancy to the age of reason when the child. Because of this,  John Locke puts forth the notion that parents should not be permitted to divorce until all of their children have reached the age of reason and can properly care for themselves. In short, Locke asserts that the best parents for a child are it’s natural parents.

From the start Ben wants to inject himself into the decisions about what Amy will ultimately do with the child even after Amy has chosen to not get an abortion and allow Ricky to have say in what happens to their child. Ben’s position is particular one, because he is playing the part of a step parent. Ricky is the bad guy in Ben’s eyes, he has damaged his beloved Amy long before they had a chance to fall in love. It is the situation we all remember from high school; we become interested in another person and we ultimately find out something about that person. In Ben’s case he doesn’t blame Amy for anything that happened, just like everyone else at school and in town the blame ultimately falls on Ricky. Ben is constantly attempting to separate Ricky from him and Amy, even going so far as to pretend he has any say in the decision process over a child that isn’t even his.

At every junction, Amy blocks Ben’s attempts to interfere in a situation that only involves Ricky and her. Ben is obviously put off by this, claiming that Amy no longer loves him or any other excuse he can devise. When Amy’s baby son, John, is finally born Amy does does everything to keep Ben and also Adrian (Ricky’s sorta girlfriend) away from him. Though her attempts fail finally when Ben finds a way to babysit for Amy while she goes to visit the family of her dad’s ex wife. It is here that it becomes evident that Ben wants to appear to be a responsible, well intending step father for John. As soon as Amy is gone, Ashley (her younger sister) pops in to take care of her nephew for Ben. Ben, like so many before him, ends up showing he doesn’t care as much for his girlfriend’s child as much as he cares for his girlfriend. He puts on the act of making everyone think he truly cares for the child, and maybe on some level he does, but his love for the child is entirely connected to Amy. Just like any other step parent, the love of any children that the spouse may have is connected entirely to the spouse. No true love between parent and child is really ever capable, although it does happen. Remember those old fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm? All of the bad guys were typically step parents, usually of the motherly variety. That’s not to say that all step parents are bad, or that Ben will want to lure John into the woods and cook him for dinner.

However, what it does mean is that as soon as his feelings for Amy begin to fade away he wants really nothing more to do with John. Because of John, Amy and Ricky are drawn closer together because of the shared love over their child. Unlike many other situations, Amy and Ricky never hated each other they simply made a mistake and animosity developed between them over what that mistake has done to their lives. Their relationship, even if it never goes past being parents to their son, will always provide them with a deeper bond than will ever be present between them and their significant others until they have children together; even then it will only match the bond that they have with each other.A prime demonstration of  this is with Amy’s parents, who are divorced at the beginning of season three. Prior to divorcing, George and Anne had sex and she got pregnant. She met another man and initially tried to play as though it was his kid, although always knowing it was George’s. When George finally admits it is most likely his child, Anne’s relationship with the other man unravels quickly; almost as though she was waiting for George to confess. It doesn’t mean that they are getting back together, instead Anne intends to continuing dating and find her “true love.” However, if Amy and Ricky are any demonstration, George and Anne will always be destined to be with each other. Further, because they are still very involved together in each others lives and the lives of their daughters, it will be impossible to find another person to fill the shoes of George for Anne. Like wise, it will be difficult for Amy or Ricky the longer they spend together raising their son together to find someone who else.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager, while a very childish show at times is ultimately highly enlightening and attempts to educate the audience. For younger views, young to mid teenagers, this show can hopefully demonstrate to them the struggles of what it means to be an adult, and mean to be a parent. For young adults and even parents who watch the show with their child(ren), the show reminds us of how life really is. Things aren’t just so cut and dry; just because don’t like people doesn’t mean we aren’t forced to live with them as Ricky and Ben learn. And just because we make mistakes and there are means of fixing those mistakes, doesn’t make them right or the most responsible thing we can do. Ultimately, when children are involved the best thing for us is almost never our own personal self interest, but instead the well being of the children.

Published in: on August 11, 2009 at 16:32  Comments (1)  
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A new kind of show

Warning: This post may contain Spoilers for the ABC Family Show, the Secret Life of the American Teenager. Do not read on if you do not wish to have information about the show revealed to you.

For most of you it may come as a shock that a male graduate student who spends most of his time blogging about such issues as current affairs, historical importance of events, and philosophy would be interested in the ABC Family show The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Then again, for those who have read my past blogs they can tell I already have written extensively about one other ABC Family hit show, Greek.  While ABC Family is notorious for making campy shows that are obviously attempting to teach some sort of lesson their show The Secret Life of the American Teenager is actually quite smart for a show directed towards a younger audience…or so it would appear at first glance. The show is in it’s third season, and like many shows on air today they network has opted for shortened 12 episode seasons rather than a full 24 episode season. The creator of Seventh Heaven, the former hit on the CW/WB/UPN, Brenda Hampton and employs the use of some incredibly talented unknown and most often teenage actors and actresses. At the same time, the show uses familiar faces such as Molly Ringwald, Mark Derwin and for a while John Schneider.

What strikes me most about the show has been the tackling of major issues not typically found on teen shows, especially considering this show doesn’t attempt to make grown up teenagers. The main premise of the show has been centered around the main character, Amy, as she deals first with being pregnant at 15 and into teenage parenthood.  As a result of focusing on such an issue, the show does discuss the topic at times a little too much; then again its written almost entirely from the prospective of teenagers and what else do most teenagers, especially males, think about? In an extension of the main focus of the show, the issues of Amy’s baby’s father, a 16 year old bad boy named Ricky are laid bare and discussed openly throughout the show.  The show uses main stereotypes for the characters and families who are focused on. There are two nuclear families at the start of the series, Amy’s and Grace’s. Amy’s family is the true nuclear family, two parents with both children being their own. They have their issues like any other family in America, though the husband (George) cheats on his wife (Anne) and of course their daughter Amy is pregnant and only 15. Grace’s family on the other hand is on the surface a very religious (Christian) family who uphold very traditional Christian values such as abstinence.

However, Grace’s family does hold dark sides as does any family. Her mother is the ex wife of George, whom she cheated on before meeting her current husband. Her brother Tom is mentally retarded (Downs Syndrome) and was adopted by Grace and her parents. While Grace initially is fervent in her devotion to the principles of the Christian faith she swears by, her resolve begins to slowly break under the pressures of being in high school, attractive, and a cheerleader. Her on again and off again Jack is the step son of the local minister who originally gets Jack to ask Grace out as a means of keeping her family, and her family’s money (her dad is a doctor) at his church. He too wants to adhere to the principles of his faith, but is distracted like most teenage males by the lures of sex and attractive girls. In their first off again stage, Jack hooks up with the school skank who also happens to be the top of her class, Adrian. Her mother intentionally got pregnant to have someone who would unconditionally love her and then works slavishly as a flight attendant to make sure Adrian has everything she could need or want in life.

This brings us back full circle to Amy, our little 15 year old freshman who had one night at band camp with Ricky who it turns out actually just wanted a little loving from Amy not a relationship like he pretended. The closest Ricky gets to a relationship is with Adrian, who shares his love for no strings sex. Instead, upon finding out she is pregnant Amy attempts to hide it from everyone, sans her two best friends who couldn’t keep a secret if they were deaf, mute and illiterate. So while she is pregnant and her friends are telling the whole school and possibly the whole town, she begins a relationship with fellow freshman Ben who asks her out after his friend Alice says he should. They, or at least he, quickly falls in love with Amy though its unclear from the start if Ben actually loves Amy or if he is simply trying to keep her from leaving him and attempting to gain Ricky. The three of them, Amy, Ricky and Ben will be forever connected by Amy’s pregnancy.

The complex nature of the show doesn’t actually begin to show through until later into the series. At first it would appear to the common observer that the show is nothing more than a flighty teen romantic comedy that lacks any and all depth. By the third season, which is currently airing, the relationship between Ben and Amy is strained by the new responsibilities of motherhood, and Ricky’s apparent desire to be a father to his son. Ben seems to be under the illusion from the start that he somehow should have a say in the life of the unborn child his girlfriend carries. Ricky is initially reluctant to take any interest in his child, namely because of his fear he will end up like his father…a child molester. His fears seem to go away as he pretends to be interested in the pregnancy in order to get with Grace. By entering into the picture, Ricky has trivialized Ben’s opinion about anything involving the baby even more than it started out. Despite being a teenager and only dating Amy for a school year, Ben fits into the motif of the step father. He harbors resentment towards Ricky because of Ricky’s womanizing ways, his popularity, and because he had sex with and impregnated the woman Ben claims to love. Their relationship worsens as Ben becomes jealous of Ricky and begins to pressure Amy into A. having sex with him and B. pushing Ricky out of the picture entirely.

The relationship between Ben and Amy, Amy and Ricky, and Ricky and Ben actually does a great job in presenting an intelligent message to a young audience. Jealousy is common in high school, especially for guys when it comes to competition over a girl. Ben is the unfortunate victim of the worst kind of jealousy because of the past encounters between Ricky and Amy. From the gate Ricky and Ben will never be able to truly be friends, after all in Ben’s mind he and Amy are married (they married illegally at the beginning of season two) and he is the step father of Amy’s son John. All three are forced to deal with jealously in a way that is more common among adults. Its bad enough for a teenage male to be jealous about his contemporary over their past sexual relations with a girl said teenage male likes. But adding into the picture a baby, which Amy ultimately keeps, causes the circumstances of Ben’s jealously to be that of an adult male. Ben is understandably unable to handle the circumstances he unknowingly entered into when he asked Amy out on their first date. Yet, because he is a teenager Ben acts more like the ex husband of a woman who has remarried and has sole custody over their children.

Amy and Ricky are initially distant from each other to the point of open resentment on Amy’s part. Yet as they are thrust together because of their son, by season three Amy and Ricky are spending more time together and noticeable changes are seen in the way Ricky behaves. Ricky is quickly becoming for her what Ben is unable to be, a mature adult partner. Amy’s relationship with Ben is focused on Ben’s love and interest in Amy and her love and interest in Ben; the fact she has a child is insignificant in Ben’s eyes. Amy and Ricky’s relationship is all about their son John. Ben’s jealously and inadequacy as a care provider for Amy and her son drive Amy away from him and closer to Ricky who has made significant steps to help provide for his son. While Ben comes from a wealthy family, the existence of John is of little consequence to him. He is unable to realize that Amy and John are eternally connected to each other as mother and child; an unbreakable bond. His inability to cope with Ricky’s participation in John’s life, and therefore Amy’s, makes it impossible for him to be the correct partner for Amy. Amy has reluctantly taken on the role of motherhood and as a result like any other mother, her needs are the same as her son’s. When Ben is unable to provide for the needs of John, he is unable to provide for Amy’s needs and vice versa.

Meanwhile with the cast of characters,  Grace’s struggle between what she believes to be right and what the world of high school believes to be right is intense. Her on again and off again relationship with Jack centers around the issue of her willingness to have sex, which is a slow transition as she becomes friends with Ricky and Adrian and eventually as her mother gives her birth control pills. Eventually, Grace comes to the conclusions that in order to keep Jack as her boyfriend she must sleep with him (this is because he has cheated on her in the past because of her unwillingness to have sex) and also that her love for Jack, and commitment to be with him is mature enough that sexual relationships are acceptable because they are no different than as if they were married.

Adrian on the other hand, has always been a sexually active girl. The absence of any true parental authority in her life, and any true source of love has resulted in her willingness to sleep with any guy. The reintroduction of her birth father into her life as undesired results on her life, as does her friendship with Grace. Since she has a parental authority, which she yearns for until she gets it, and a source of unconditional love her sexual activities become more meaningless than before. She has admitted to herself that she loves Ricky, which is why she is so willing to let him walk all over her it would appear.  Surprisingly, as she comes to unconsciously understand how meaningless her sex life is, she encourages Grace to uphold her own vow of abstinence until marriage. Yet despite her realization that sex isn’t a necessary part of her life, she continues to seek it out either because she is an addict or thinks that she has been a slut for so long that despite knowing it to be wrong, she cannot stop.

Published in: on August 8, 2009 at 03:13  Leave a Comment  
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